“No idea” doesn’t mean I don’t know the answer. I just don’t want to have a conversation.

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Current relationship status: sleeping diagonally across the bed.

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I hated rats even before my girlfriend left me for one.

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Incredibly annoying that exercising, eating right, and drinking water can make you actually feel good.

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I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

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I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of the outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

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Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

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I hate lying to my parents but it’s for their own good.

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Does my special place in hell have wi-fi?

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Dear LOL, thanks for being there when I have nothing else to say.

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Whoever allowed me to become an adult needs to be fired.