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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇸🇪 has bookmarked:

I’m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off multiple things at once.

Someone from 🇧🇸 has downloaded:

Girls actually do love nice guys. It’s just that you’re not as nice a guy as you think you are…

Someone from 🇬🇼 has bookmarked:

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

Someone from 🇲🇽 has shared:

When they dress up really nice, but all you can think about is the thrill of taking it off.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has bookmarked:

College is literally just you, your laptop, and your water bottle against the world.

Someone from 🇨🇱 has copied:

I think fathers lose their mind a little bit when they realize their daughters aren’t as forgiving as their wives.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has viewed:

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

Someone from 🇷🇸 has shared:

I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.

Someone from 🇨🇷 has copied:

Every day, I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has shared:

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on X:

The more water you drink, the more bathroom breaks, the less you work. Stay hydrated.

Going viral on X:

Wow, I absolutely love your outfit. The black really brings out the pet hair on it.

Spotted on WeChat:

“Your password is too weak!” Just wait until you see my impulse control.

Making waves on LinkedIn:

My mother told me there is a girl for me in every corner of the earth, but unfortunately the earth is round.

Breaking via Messenger:

I dreamed I won the lottery, so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

Live now on Pinterest:

Maturity is when you realize money can actually buy happiness.

Going bananas on Slack:

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

Seen just now on Twitch:

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

Going viral on Reddit:

Y’all ever feel like your mouth is stupid but your mind is smart? Like you’re intelligent but you can’t express it when you’re speaking? It’s so frustrating.

Going viral on Discord:

Sometimes a lover girl, sometimes a dinosaur.

People never run off to join the circus anymore.

2 weeks ago

Funny Quotes

Witty text about how people no longer pursue circus adventures, humorous and playful in tone.

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Commentary:
Guess clowns on unicycles don't have the same appeal as streaming marathons and popcorn! 🎪🤡🍿🏃‍♂️

circus, join, never, people, run

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14 shares on X this month:

If I worked for UPS, there would be a 100% chance I’m falling out that open door when I turn a corner too fast.

85 shares on Instagram this month:

If two witches watched two watches, which witch would watch which watch? Each witch would watch which watch belonged to which witch’s wrist.

53 shares on Telegram this month:

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

33 shares on WeChat this month:

Anyone know how to grow a money tree?

21 shares on Slack this month:

“No idea” doesn’t mean I don’t know the answer. I just don’t want to have a conversation.

78 shares on LinkedIn this month:

There is sex without love, there is love without sex, and there is me without both.

54 shares on Facebook this month:

Just got some minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

36 shares on Instagram this month:

I need a leaf blower, but for people.

95 shares on TikTok this month:

It’s okay, wobbly chair, I’m unstable too.

84 shares on TikTok this month:

There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after a vacation.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇨🇲 has bookmarked:

Coke tastes like tapping into your ancient ancestral petroleum reserves, while Sprite tastes like being connected to a big, beautiful energy grid.

Someone from 🇯🇴 has copied:

Sometimes nature makes art, like trees, waterfalls, and the human butt.

Someone from 🇴🇲 has downloaded:

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has downloaded:

That “meeting canceled” ping is a gift from the Gods.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has viewed:

You gotta be careful: don’t say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has bookmarked:

Rehab is a great place to meet people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has shared:

What’s a good career for people with no motivation or talent?

Someone from 🇯🇴 has downloaded:

Does anyone want to fall in love and split rent with me?

Someone from 🇰🇪 has viewed:

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Someone from 🇺🇦 has bookmarked:

Do y’all ever get pre-annoyed? Like, you already know someone is about to piss you off.

Social Media Log 💫

Breaking via LinkedIn:

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they Batman now? The suspense is killing me.

Spotted on YouTube:

Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man. Ruin it yourself.

Just landed via Twitch:

If I was the inventor of healing, I would have made it linear, I can tell you that much.

Going bananas on WhatsApp:

Pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed.

Just shared via Instagram:

I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.

Going viral on Threads:

Drugs don’t ruin lives. Drug tests do.

Freshly posted on WhatsApp:

I love traveling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes.

Making waves on Telegram:

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

Just landed via Facebook:

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

Freshly posted on Slack:

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of Kung Fu Panda we could have had Tae Kwon Dodo.

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Activity Log ✨

People never run off to join the circus anymore.

We work all week to work some more around the house all weekend long. Isn’t life grand?

Seeing an animal sigh is so funny to me. Like, what happened, buddy?

That little pocket on jeans is the perfect size for the money I have left over after I pay all my bills.

If you ghosted me, don’t come back. Maintain that energy, babe. Stay dead.

If Stranger Things was British, it would be called ‘Bit odd, innit?’

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

People never run off to join the circus anymore.

Keep the laugh going 😂

We work all week to work some more around the house all weekend long. Isn’t life grand?

Some people are like “I’m a people pleaser,” and not a single person is pleased with them.

Seeing an animal sigh is so funny to me. Like, what happened, buddy?

That little pocket on jeans is the perfect size for the money I have left over after I pay all my bills.

If you ghosted me, don’t come back. Maintain that energy, babe. Stay dead.

If Stranger Things was British, it would be called ‘Bit odd, innit?’

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