The hottest thing a man can be is boring in his 30s.

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If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

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How are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby?

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That uncontrollable urge to hurt myself and others when a film’s subtitles are slightly out of sync.

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I’m going to bed, everyone. Try to keep it down.

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You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

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Never signed up for a 401k cause there’s no way in hell I can run that far.

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This meeting could have been a painting in a museum of boredom.

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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

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Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

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The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem.