253 funny man quotes - Wordgag

When a man is a good cook, that cancels out like three red flags.

May 25, 2026

Proposing at someone else’s wedding is out. Die at their funeral like a real man.

May 25, 2026

I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.

May 25, 2026

All women want is to consistently annoy one handsome man forever.

May 25, 2026

You know what brought my home value up? Not having an angry man in it.

May 24, 2026

Breaking: man who liked me first no longer likes me.

May 24, 2026

The most attractive thing a man can do is hitting his own head and repeating “stupid, stupid, stupid”.

May 24, 2026

I’m actually breaking generational curses by surviving my 20s without marrying a man who hates me.

May 24, 2026

You are not in a situationship. You are texting a man who doesn’t like you.

May 24, 2026May 24, 2026

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby. Man, I ain’t living in there.

May 24, 2026

Doctors are always giving me Ibuprofen. Man, give me something I can sell.

May 24, 2026

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

May 24, 2026

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

May 24, 2026

An Amish party in the desert called churning man.

May 24, 2026

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice.

May 24, 2026

Man, these end times are taking forever.

May 24, 2026

I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

May 24, 2026

I’m sorry your man wears his sunglasses on the back of his head.

May 24, 2026

Things I don’t want in my future house: An angry man.

May 24, 2026

Making a grown man kiss his camera on Facetime.

May 24, 2026

Texting a man first feels like I’m on my hands and knees begging him to talk to me.

May 24, 2026

White, black, yellow, brown, Democrat, Republican, man, woman, straight, gay, transgender, Jew, Christian, Muslim, young and old — you will all taste the same to the zombies.

May 24, 2026

Don’t talk to me while my earphones are in, man, I’m at a concert.

May 24, 2026

I want to be a garbage man, so I only have to work one day a week.

May 24, 2026

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

May 23, 2026

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you.

May 23, 2026

Hangman is so great. No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

May 23, 2026

Hey man, be careful on the trampoline, one of my buddies never came back down.

May 23, 2026

If I was a weather man, I’d leak the weather early to pretty women.

May 23, 2026

Meds have done more for me than any man ever could.

May 23, 2026

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night.

May 23, 2026

I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.

May 23, 2026

I want a man who doesn’t annoy me while I’m constantly getting on his nerves. It can’t be that difficult.

May 23, 2026

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Steve, he has never been questioned”

May 23, 2026

You can always tell when a man is dating someone new. Why you going to the aquarium and the museum?

May 23, 2026

If I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. Sir, I am in my jim-jams.

May 23, 2026

Once married, the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket.

May 23, 2026

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

May 23, 2026

Why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast? It’s just an onion man, why don’t you relax?

May 23, 2026

At my funeral, sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man.

May 23, 2026