The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

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My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better.

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I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

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Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra.

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That beeping of the parking assistant when you get too close to other cars. I’d like that for people.

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“Bye, have a great day, I’ll see you after school”, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch.

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Іf you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember that nobody loves you on any other day of the year either.

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My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving bloody crumb trails.

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Whenever I’m not eating a breakfast sandwich I wish I was eating a breakfast sandwich.

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Scrolling the feed as a mature person, not judging anybody.

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Want to know what someone is really like? Play Monopoly with them.