68 funny children quotes - Wordgag

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

May 23, 2026

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

May 22, 2026

I don’t believe in lying to children, unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine.

May 22, 2026

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

May 22, 2026

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

May 22, 2026

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

May 22, 2026

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

May 22, 2026

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

May 22, 2026

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder.

May 22, 2026

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful when you’re older.

May 21, 2026

Women know the exact weight of their children and their age in days. Men just know that little people live with them.

May 21, 2026

Working with children gives you so much in return. Lice, for example.

May 21, 2026

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children.

May 21, 2026

Gnocchi: The small, chubby children of spaghetti and potatoes.

May 21, 2026

The secret to a clean home? Never let your husband or children in.

May 21, 2026

In case of a disaster, women and children are being evacuated first so men can think about a solution in peace.

May 21, 2026

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

May 21, 2026

Grandmas be like: Imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings.

May 21, 2026

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

May 20, 2026

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

May 20, 2026

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

May 20, 2026

Having children is a pyramid scheme.

May 20, 2026

Stranger: Your children are angels. Me: So was the devil.

May 20, 2026

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

May 20, 2026

Whenever I have a headache, I take 2 aspirin and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.

May 20, 2026

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.

May 20, 2026

There are two classes of travel: first class and with children.

May 20, 2026

Not all who wander are lost. Some are just moms. In Target. Hiding from their children.

May 20, 2026

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

May 20, 2026

The more I use social media, the more I see why children shouldn’t.

May 19, 2026

You will see blonder children than you would ever think possible at expensive ice cream parlours.

May 19, 2026

And to my children, I leave 127 open tabs on Safari.

May 18, 2026

Celebrities should not be allowed to name children.

May 18, 2026

You’ll never see Asian parents kissing, hugging, or in any form of romance, but boom, 5 children.

May 18, 2026

Not to brag, but my children already knew everything I told them today.

Apr 1, 2026

I’m of the very strong opinion that sex ed should be taught by a woman 37 weeks into her third pregnancy, while her husband sits scrolling through his phone, and her other two children run wild.

Apr 1, 2026

People my age are raising children, and I’m just here trying to bribe myself with treats into doing my own chores.

Mar 31, 2026

Regrettably, my children appear to have befriended a child I find annoying.

Mar 31, 2026

My children are very helpful. For example, when I ask them to do something, they suggest a different child that could do it instead.

Mar 31, 2026

May life treat you exactly the same way you treat servers, store clerks, senior citizens, children, and animals.

Mar 30, 2026