In a relationship with my heated car seat.

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The real flex is how many wounds you can turn into wisdom.

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Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living, but it’s too late to ask.

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The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing.

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I wonder if the fall of Rome was this stupid.

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Your coworkers are your friends; stop working and hang out.

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Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes, but what about the ones who don’t have cars?

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I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

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Maybe aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

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The first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account.

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Sometimes I use big words I don’t always fully understand, in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.