Funny quotes comedy Page 2

170 Funny comedy quotes

I got all my marriage skills from watching Al Bundy.

1 month ago

We go together like Drunk and Disorderly.

2 months ago

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

2 months ago

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck.

2 months ago

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely!

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can rub two fires together to get a piece of wood.

2 months ago

Armed robbers are so weird. Why are you beating me when I don’t have money?

2 months ago

My secret talent is turning any situation into a considerably more awkward one.

2 months ago

Roman soldiers are all like “I’m going to fight you in this short yet tasteful leather skirt.”

2 months ago

That uncontrollable urge to hurt myself and others when a film’s subtitles are slightly out of sync.

2 months ago

Jump to recipe is the closest thing we have to teleportation.

2 months ago

Why is it called the Super Bowl if no one is bowling?

2 months ago

A bird just flew into our glass door. Іt’s not dead. Just really embarrassed.

2 months ago

Just did my best horse impression and the doctor still won’t give me ketamine.

2 months ago

Due to personal reasons, I’ll be using humor to hide pain.

2 months ago

My favorite part of parenting is being exhausted all the time and losing the will to live.

2 months ago

Whoever is writing my Rom-Com, can you maybe, I don’t know, START IT?

2 months ago

Two people had sex and now I’m fighting for my life everyday.

3 months ago

British people be like “It’s Chewsday, innit?”

3 months ago

I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.

3 months ago