Commentary:
Story of my life—it's a real skill losing things while still holding them! 🙈📱🕵️♂️
322 Funny comedy quotes
During arguments with idiots, I wish I could throw a flash bang and disappear.
Commentary:
Ninja training: 0% complete. Still working on my disappearing act! 💨🔦🤦♂️
Ratatouille is hilarious because the villain wasn’t even evil; he just didn’t want food cooked by rats?!?
Commentary:
Can't blame the guy for having high standards… or just not wanting furry sous chefs! 🐀👨🍳🤣
I have many talents, all equally un-monetizable.
Commentary:
When your talents are priceless, but your bank account wishes they weren't 😂💸 #SkillzForDays
Love those deep burps that instantly make me feel like I lost 10 lbs.
Commentary:
Burp therapy: the only weight loss plan I can stick to! 😅🤷♂️🎈
Should we all just give up and get really into drugs? Wait, this is literally what happened in the 60s. That just clicked for me.
Commentary:
When life gives you lemons, make… psychedelic lemonade? 🍄🍋✨
Umbrellas are great if you only want to get wet sideways.
Commentary:
Getting drenched vertically is soooo last season 🌧️☔😅
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Commentary:
Living in the moment might be rent-free, but apparently not for long! 😂🏠🚪
Forced to say “it’s okay” instead of throwing a chair at them.
Commentary:
When you channel your inner Zen master instead of your inner WWE wrestler 😂🪑💫
I can’t watch Sex and the City anymore, because I get really upset at how much money these ladies have.
Commentary:
Can't decide if I'm more jealous of their shoes or their bank accounts! 💸👠😂