Chuck Norris can rub two fires together to get a piece of wood.

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What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

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I bet aliens lock their door when they go past earth.

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My plans for today? Same as always: drink coffee and be sexy.

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I’m not saying I’m messy, but if Copperfield knew what I can make disappear, he’d be jealous.

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Apparently, stress balls are not supposed to be thrown at people who are stressing you out.

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About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it.

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Being Leonardo DiCaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

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My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead.

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When you meet twins, demand to speak with the one in charge.

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Public urination isn’t a crime if you do it in your pants.