246 Funny comedy quotes

More funny comedy quotes 👇

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  5 months ago

  View →: Celery is depressing green water wafers.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinny-dipping for me.
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  5 months ago

  View →: A Jackie Chan fight scene where he’s in an IKEA warehouse and he fights off dudes with furniture pieces, but by the end he’s accidentally assembled it all into a complete Malm bedroom set.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Rapunzel, let down your CVS receipt!
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  5 months ago

  View →: I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
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  5 months ago

  View →: “Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since.
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  5 months ago

  View →: The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Born to say “are you f*****g stupid”, forced to say “wow, I’ve never thought about it like that before”.
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  5 months ago

  View →: If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit.
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  5 months ago

  View →: The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects.
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  5 months ago

  View →: It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man.
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  5 months ago

  View →: We used to have “spring, summer, fall, winter”. Today we have “drama, drama, drama, drama”.
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  5 months ago

  View →: When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Have you ever noticed that when you step on someone’s foot, they open their mouth? It’s like a folding trash can.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your jokes or people not stealing your jokes.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I could never work in an aquarium. I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I’ll never understand why the volume in movies is always mixed in such a way that you can barely understand the dialog and your neighbor gets war flashbacks during action scenes.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Today’s book recommendation: “The Art of Silence” by the famous Chinese philosopher Shut-Up.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
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  5 months ago

  View →: A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
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  5 months ago

  View →: If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about a kid that heals two men that were savagely beaten.
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  5 months ago

  View →: A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Yes, I sometimes put my cell phone down. Especially when it rings.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I’m pretty sure by now that we’re some kind of satire channel on some other planet.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I don’t need Halloween. I have strange characters around me all year round.

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