Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since.

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I’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns.

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Anything is free if you can outrun security. The more you know.

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If insomnia were a sport, I’d have endorsement deals.

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Discovered a new coping mechanism called lashing out and making your loved ones resent you.

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I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.

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Elections make you feel like we’re all in divorce court waiting to see who gets custody of us.

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Just got hired at Five Guys as the guy who punches the burger before they put it in the bag.

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I could low-key really use a wish right now.

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During childbirth, women are in so much pain that it is almost possible for them to feel what men have to endure when they have a cold.

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I’m at that point in my life where if a car hit me, I’d probably say thank you to the kind stranger.