322 funny comedy quotes - Page 6 - Wordgag

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just funny and you think you like me.

May 24, 2026

My life is based on a true story.

May 24, 2026

Relationship status: my sex robot filed a restraining order.

May 24, 2026

No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.

May 24, 2026

Gonna start an app for cat sitters where they can review the cats they take care of and it’ll be called Litterboxd.

May 24, 2026

I love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

May 24, 2026

I run a parody bank account.

May 24, 2026

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter?

May 24, 2026

Being bilingual means stuttering in both languages.

May 24, 2026

Nothing hurts more than someone not getting your joke.

May 24, 2026

I suck at flirting. I be like “is that so?”

May 24, 2026

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

May 24, 2026

McDonald’s only giving me 9 Chicken Nuggets instead of 10 is how my villain origin story began.

May 24, 2026

I love when women move on. It’s my favourite genre.

May 24, 2026

Name a better duo than sad and depressed.

May 24, 2026

So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses.

May 24, 2026

Mrs. Doubtfire is my favorite movie about violating a custody agreement.

May 24, 2026

Beavers are so funny. Why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering?

May 24, 2026

It’s so funny how every true crime documentary eventually devolves into a story about how the police botched the entire investigation.

May 24, 2026

No show does a misunderstanding / miscommunication plot better than Modern Family does.

May 24, 2026

Men have feelings too! Hunger, for example. Or thirst.

May 24, 2026

My dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent.

May 23, 2026

We need a true crime show called Downtown Stabby.

May 23, 2026

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

May 23, 2026

When they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

May 23, 2026

Some people are living proof that brain failure does not immediately lead to death.

May 23, 2026

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

May 23, 2026

There’s no way the Scooby Doo gang never found a dead body.

May 23, 2026

Reoccurring dreams be like: ‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

May 23, 2026

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

May 23, 2026

Pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian.

May 23, 2026

Aubrey Plaza is like an alien who went to earth to study us but accidentally got famous and can’t leave.

May 23, 2026

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you and good night.

May 23, 2026

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

May 23, 2026

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

May 23, 2026

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3? Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

May 23, 2026

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

May 23, 2026

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs. She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

May 23, 2026

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

May 23, 2026

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it.

May 23, 2026