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New funny quotes: 56 this month

15,809 funny quotes and pics

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Updated: Mar 13, 2026

 

 

 

 

1020 Funny time quotes

Funny time quotes are perfect for those moments when time feels like it’s either moving way too fast or dragging on forever! ⏳😂 Whether it’s waiting for the weekend, losing track of hours, or wishing for “just five more minutes,” these quotes show how time can be both hilarious and frustrating. Tick-tock, let the laughs begin! 🕒😜

It’s that time of year where every jacket you choose is wrong.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Every time I watch “The Godfather”, I notice some new detail (they’re Italian???).

Posted onJan 31, 2026

My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

You can mess up big time letting someone know you have a printer.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Presumably, if you had a time machine, you could just kill young adult Hitler. The baby part seems gratuitous.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

TikTok? I still call it a watch.

Posted onJan 31, 2026Feb 24, 2026

I hate it when people threaten to come over. Now I’ve got to do 2 years of housework in 30 minutes.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

If I had just one hour left to live, I’d spend it in Math class… it never ends.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

I could be a morning person, if morning was sometime around noon.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like someone is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one-night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?

Posted onJan 30, 2026

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Thursday.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

My Saturday was going really well, until I realized it’s Sunday!

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Sorry, the deadline for complaints was yesterday.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

I wish I could invoice people for wasting my time.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

If I got $5 every time I thought of you, I would start thinking of you.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Later is the best time to do anything.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Next time I lose my mind I swear I’m not even going to look for it any more.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Don’t worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

I pretend I don’t care about stuff, but that’s only because I have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Dear 8 hours of sleep, I miss you so much.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

They need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

All our dogs think we quit our jobs to spend more time with them. All our cats think we got fired for being lazy.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Time machine? You mean a clock?

Posted onJan 30, 2026

I was having a great time until I remembered that I was ugly.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

After I get irritated, it takes me about 2 hours to fix my face.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

At the first signs of a sore throat, you should be given the option of just skipping four days into the future.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Can we start the weekend again? I wasn’t ready.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Best threesome: me, my bed and my pillow.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Facebook: because time isn’t going to pass on it’s own.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Posted onJan 30, 2026

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