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Commentary:
Looks like your kids are not just artists, but also brutally honest critics! 🎨✂️ Get that beard trim ASAP before they start adding Santa Claus vibes to your portraits! 🎅😆 #DadLife #BeardStruggles

beard, drawing, humor, i, kids, me, parenting, pictures, seeing, self-awareness, tell, trim

Trending Funny Quotes 👇

I need a weighted blanket that won’t let me get out of bed in the morning.

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2 months ago

bed, blanket, comfort, humor, i, laziness, let, me, morning, need, sleep, struggle, weighted, weighted blanket
Traumatized people will navigate emergency situations with calm surety but then have an anxiety attack in a grocery store.

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2 months ago

anxiety, attack, calm, emergency, grocery, grocery store, health, mental, mental health, panic, people, situation, situations, store, surety, trauma
The only men you can trust is ramen.

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2 months ago

food, humor, men, ramen, relationship, trust
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do.

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2 months ago

clothes, follow, humor, i, independence, instructions, me, rebellion, self-expression, tell, washing, washing instructions
Twitter actually is my diary, so you’re not allowed to get mad at the things I post. You’re not even supposed to be reading this. Why were you going through my stuff?

0

2 months ago

diary, even, going, humor, i, mad, media, post, privacy, reading, social, social media, stuff, things, Twitter
I am never hungrier than when I leave the dentist and told I can’t eat right away.

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2 months ago

am, away, dentist, eat, eating, food, humor, hunger, i, irony, leave, never, restriction, right, told

New Funny Quotes

🎲 Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Social Media Stars ⭐

75 shares on YouTube this month:

My five-year plan is to just see what happens.

77 shares on YouTube this month:

Single bells, single bells, single all the way. Oh, what fun it is to watch those couples fight all day, yay!

31 shares on Reddit this month:

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

98 shares on Snapchat this month:

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant “Autumn,” not the collapse of civilization.

25 shares on Reddit this month:

Welcome to your 40s: it’s Saturday night so you know what that means, absolutely nothing, go to bed.

97 shares on Facebook this month:

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

28 shares on Reddit this month:

Interviewer: Can I get you anything? Me: Yeah, a job!

56 shares on TikTok this month:

Don’t ruin a good sundress by wearing panties.

78 shares on Facebook this month:

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom, so I showed her my organized sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding.

60 shares on Reddit this month:

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇮🇸 has viewed:

Getting an extra 20 minutes in the day when someone cancels a meeting is like finding a penny on the ground. Not gonna use it for anything, but wow, am I excited.

Someone from 🇸🇮 has bookmarked:

If someone drunk texts you, appreciate it. They’ve thought of you when they can barely think straight.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has copied:

I already want to come home from work tomorrow.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has bookmarked:

I don’t always seize the day. Sometimes I poke the day with my index finger and go, ew, ew, ew, ew.

Someone from 🇮🇱 has copied:

When two people argue online I believe whoever spells correctly.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has viewed:

The only way three people can keep a secret is if two of them are dead.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has viewed:

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has bookmarked:

Never underestimate my ability to fall asleep in a moving vehicle.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has shared:

Playing dumb for five minutes often saves a lot of work.

Someone from 🇸🇮 has bookmarked:

Might go to prison so I can focus on the gym properly.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Slack:

Not to brag, but I’m on hold and my call is important to them.

Just landed via WhatsApp:

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning.

Live now on Messenger:

May the hardest part of your day be getting the jeans over your butt.

Trending via WeChat:

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

Just shared via WhatsApp:

Keep your friends close, but your smartphone closer.

Just shared via Messenger:

Going to a concert with a tomato in each hand just to make the band nervous.

Spotted on Pinterest:

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws.

Just shared via YouTube:

The 80s were wild, man. You had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems.

Making waves on TikTok:

I downloaded a meditation app. Now I’m stressed about missing sessions.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

TVs are like, literally, the only thing that has gotten cheaper as I’ve gotten older.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my kids were drawing of me.

Related Funny Quotes 🤝

I need a weighted blanket that won’t let me get out of bed in the morning.

Traumatized people will navigate emergency situations with calm surety but then have an anxiety attack in a grocery store.

The only men you can trust is ramen.

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do.

Twitter actually is my diary, so you’re not allowed to get mad at the things I post. You’re not even supposed to be reading this. Why were you going through my stuff?

I am never hungrier than when I leave the dentist and told I can’t eat right away.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨