252 funny tell quotes - Wordgag

Tell your dog I said woof woof.

May 24, 2026

You can really tell somebody’s mental state by they hair.

May 24, 2026

How do you tell someone that you will probably end up marrying them, but in a casual way?

May 24, 2026

If you order a pizza with veggies on it, you can tell people you had a salad.

May 24, 2026

All I’m dealing with is broken people. Lord, if I’m a mechanic, please tell me.

May 24, 2026

If you tell me to make myself at home, I’m going to ask you to leave.

May 24, 2026

I love when someone is telling a story and you can tell even from their version that they’re the villain.

May 24, 2026

Hello! I’m Britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is: I tell you my real surname, then my real forename, then my real surname again, in case you missed it.

May 24, 2026

“Baby on board” Okay, well, can you tell him to drive faster?

May 24, 2026

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

May 23, 2026

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

May 23, 2026

People who often talk to themselves are more intelligent than others. At least that’s what I tell myself.

May 23, 2026

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest.

May 23, 2026

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

May 23, 2026

A haunted house, but it’s just a room full of people asking you to tell them a fun fact about yourself.

May 23, 2026

Don’t tell me that everything was better in the past. I was there.

May 23, 2026

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

May 23, 2026

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

May 23, 2026

Actors in black and white movies were often putting their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was red or green.

May 23, 2026

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

May 23, 2026

Never share a secret with a clock. Because time will tell.

May 23, 2026

Don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. Show them you can’t.

May 23, 2026

You can always tell when a man is dating someone new. Why you going to the aquarium and the museum?

May 23, 2026

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want.

May 23, 2026

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

May 23, 2026

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

May 23, 2026

I tell it like it is: Sometimes I watch the calls on my cell phone and just wait for it to stop ringing.

May 23, 2026

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

May 23, 2026

“Bye, have a great day, I’ll see you after school”, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch.

May 23, 2026

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet.

May 23, 2026

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my Tweets.

May 23, 2026

The evening news: Where they begin with “Good evening” and then proceed to tell you why it’s not.

May 23, 2026

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel.

May 23, 2026

Our neighbor complained that our cat is always running through his garden. My father said: “Okay, I’ll tell her.”

May 22, 2026

Alexa, tell Roomba to get the spider.

May 22, 2026

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life. It’s just a hobby.

May 22, 2026

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help some Hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something.

May 22, 2026

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

May 22, 2026

I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don’t want to see you every day.

May 22, 2026

When I say I like when older men tell me what to do, I am talking about Yoda and his teachings.

May 22, 2026