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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇨🇻 has bookmarked:

I don’t like talking to people with an IQ lower than the room temperature.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has viewed:

Even on the coldest of days, there’s such peace found in the warm embrace of a hot pizza.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has downloaded:

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real spider.

Someone from 🇸🇰 has bookmarked:

People text “Happy New Year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

Someone from 🇱🇸 has viewed:

What are some beginner pieces of information for somebody just getting into knowledge?

Someone from 🇰🇪 has copied:

“I’ve never done parkour, but I have chased a toddler with an open Sharpie through the house.”

Someone from 🇲🇽 has bookmarked:

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

Someone from 🇹🇩 has bookmarked:

It’s okay if you don’t like me, not everyone has good taste.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has shared:

After being raised on Disney movies, I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance.

Someone from 🇷🇺 has viewed:

Much like a candle, I was tall when I was young, but I get shorter as I grow old.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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3,449

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Instagram:

I need to hire someone to just constantly slap food out of my hand.

Breaking via Messenger:

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my burrito warm in case you wondered what I was up to.

Shared recently on Slack:

It’s not fair when attractive people are also good at things.

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

Got a botched circumcision, now my willy wonka.

Seen just now on Pinterest:

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

Just shared via Snapchat:

Men will ruin your whole life then come back and like your story.

Just landed via Instagram:

A gambler is only called an addict when he loses.

Making waves on WhatsApp:

It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for a cauliflower cake, and I reported them for harmful content.

Seen just now on Reddit:

I made some bad choices in life, but I never bought a pair of Crocs.

Just shared via TikTok:

When people ask me what is more important, food or love, I don’t answer because I’m eating.

I survived a Monday, and for what? Tuesday? Disgusting.

3 weeks ago

Witty quote about Monday struggles and Tuesday disappointment, humorous and playful in tone.

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Commentary:
Celebrating one day closer to Friday but at what cost? 🤔💼😅

disgusting, frustration, humor, i, Monday, sarcasm, survival, Tuesday, weekday, workweek

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52 shares on WeChat this month:

When I say “the other day”, it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth.

28 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

19 shares on X this month:

That thing they say about getting drunk with the love of your life in a walkable city is no joke. It hits like crack.

24 shares on X this month:

Nothing fixes your life the way deactivating Instagram does.

16 shares on Slack this month:

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

18 shares on Instagram this month:

Ever since I was a little kid, I knew I would be fraught with melancholy and nostalgia.

22 shares on Discord this month:

Hey, if the Earth could stop air frying me, that’d be great.

99 shares on Discord this month:

I don’t argue anymore. I just agree and let the plot unfold.

64 shares on Slack this month:

I think we should all try to spend more time online. It seems to be helping society.

11 shares on YouTube this month:

Imagine giving someone your heart at Christmas, but the very next day they give it away. Haha, would feel so stupid.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇬🇧 has bookmarked:

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse.

Someone from 🇭🇷 has viewed:

I love my cat, but I hope in her next life she’s reincarnated as the owner of a very whiny cat.

Someone from 🇴🇲 has downloaded:

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has shared:

Every time a Taco Bell rings, an angel gets diarrhea.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has viewed:

Boss: Why do I have to always come and find you? Me: Because a good employee is hard to find.

Someone from 🇮🇱 has copied:

The real pandemic was when everyone was reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has downloaded:

I don’t need therapy. I need everyone who’s ever wronged me to suddenly feel a chill and not know why.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has bookmarked:

I may regret the megabytes I’ve wasted, but I’ll never regret the megabites I’ve tasted.

Someone from 🇸🇪 has copied:

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has copied:

“I’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano!” -me, politely declining dates.

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Telegram:

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics. Someone will come to argue with you.

Trending via Instagram:

Sorry for having no idea what the hell I am doing. It will happen again.

Seen just now on X:

Smart people are like huskies. If you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem.

Just landed via WhatsApp:

I don’t wanna brag, but I’ve been told I’m micro-management material.

Broadcasted on Snapchat:

Chuck Norris got shot. The bullet is in critical condition.

Spotted on Slack:

If you like water, you already like 72% of me.

Seen just now on Reddit:

Every time I turn around, it’s Monday.

Freshly posted on TikTok:

Don’t worry, bro. She’s probably just working on a puzzle right now. She’ll get back to you.

Seen just now on WeChat:

Bands are always like “here’s another song”. Yeah, no shit, that’s pretty much all you do.

Just shared via Messenger:

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

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Activity Log ✨

I survived a Monday, and for what? Tuesday? Disgusting.

Forget cheating, that’s young people’s shit. I’m ready to get married and have an affair.

“I asked ChatGPT.” Okay, well, I asked Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

Asking my landlord if he has any Cyber Monday deals.

All roads lead to disappointment.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I survived a Monday, and for what? Tuesday? Disgusting.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Forget cheating, that’s young people’s shit. I’m ready to get married and have an affair.

“I asked ChatGPT.” Okay, well, I asked Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

Asking my landlord if he has any Cyber Monday deals.

The greatest trick ever was making people feel more connected, when they are actually more alone than ever.

All roads lead to disappointment.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

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