If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

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My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.

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I’m at the age where, if you ask me to go out after 9 p.m., I’m definitely not coming.

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I’m optimistic, in a pessimistic way.

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When my friends and I talk about sex, it’s never sexual. It feels scientific, almost.

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Being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the Titanic, except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad.

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Turns out I like you a lot more than I originally planned.

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I’m so old that when I take a walk down memory lane, I get lost.