459 funny family quotes - Wordgag

I was born a boy, but according to the packaging, I identify as a family of four.

May 23, 2026

Call your family now and ask them what the wifi password is, so they have time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

May 23, 2026

Game night with the family is only fun until I lose.

May 23, 2026

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

May 23, 2026

Elections is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

May 23, 2026

Parents may forget many things, but they never forget who brought the noisy toys into the house.

May 23, 2026

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

May 23, 2026

They call it a coffin because they’re finally coughing up that inheritance.

May 23, 2026

Welcome to parenting! The only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

May 23, 2026

I’m not joining no alternate Twitter app. If this gets taken down, I’m starting a family.

May 23, 2026

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom, why do you always buy Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

May 23, 2026

My dad once sneezed so hard that he set every clock back two hours.

May 23, 2026

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

May 23, 2026

As a child, all I wanted was as to be a time traveller, like my grandson and his grandson before him.

May 23, 2026

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dog listens.

May 23, 2026

Rule #1 for family reunions: Always bring your own car so you can take off whenever you want.

May 23, 2026

Hug your children as often as you can. They can’t break things during this time.

May 23, 2026

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes, I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

May 23, 2026

If my son ever came out as gay, I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice.

May 23, 2026

Divorce is so weird. Why do I have an ex-aunt?

May 23, 2026

If you have children, you can experience all human emotions before 9 a.m. on Sundays.

May 23, 2026

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

May 23, 2026

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

May 23, 2026

I already know how it will end. One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

May 23, 2026

If you like constant interruptions when you’re trying to get something done, then parenting might be for you.

May 23, 2026

If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving, I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.

May 23, 2026

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

May 23, 2026

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma, I’m not gonna fight with you.

May 23, 2026

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

May 23, 2026

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

May 23, 2026

Having a daughter is like having a little broke best friend who thinks you’re rich.

May 23, 2026

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings? Mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo.

May 23, 2026

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed.

May 23, 2026

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this family party started.

May 23, 2026

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

May 23, 2026

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right, bro, I should just annihilate this family of four.

May 23, 2026

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

May 23, 2026

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like.

May 23, 2026

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like “please don’t vacuum your sister”

May 23, 2026

Shoulda named my daughter Calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

May 23, 2026