If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

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That was pointless, we could’ve just stayed strangers.

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Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh no, it’s a cop”?

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How does pasta water know when you’re not looking?

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Don’t date coworkers. Being the hot coworker nobody at work has a chance with is always the best role to play.

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Rule number 1 at a concert: Don’t sing while filming!

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When you’re young, weekends are for fun. When you’re older, they’re for recovery.

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“Cut my life into pieces” screamed the earthworm and threw itself in front of my spade.

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Deciding if I should heal or just give up and go completely insane.

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Your fingers have fingertips, but your toes don’t have toetips. Yet, you can tiptoe but not tipfinger.

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Sorry, I’m late. I found my old CD collection.