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Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New funny quotes: 6399 this month

15,818 funny quotes and pics

17,813 funny quotes topics

Updated: May 23, 2026

 

 

 

 

147 Funny keep quotes

Funny keep quotes 🤣—because who doesn’t need a little humor to keep going? Whether you’re trying to stave off the Monday blues or just need a chuckle to brighten your day, these quotes are here to remind you that laughter is indeed the best medicine 😄. Dive into a world where wisdom and wit collide, and keep those spirits high with a smile on your face! 🌟

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my burrito warm in case you wondered what I was up to.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I’m having an orange, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Lou Read is the name of my favorite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Keep scrolling, I’ve got nothing.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage, what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

Posted onMay 22, 2026

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Tech enthusiasts: My entire house is smart. Tech workers: The only piece of technology in my house is a printer, and I keep a gun next to it so I can shoot it if it makes a noise I don’t recognize.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I wish I was mysterious, but unfortunately I just can’t keep my mouth shut.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I think one quality that makes me incredibly attractive is that I keep my mouth shut when I have nothing to say.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I’m so old, I still keep special moments in my heart and not in my Insta story.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Took a bunch of Ibuprofen to keep my posts from being too inflammatory.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

If dogs ever learn to talk, I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I keep pressing the space bar, but I’m still on Earth.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

So I just keep making dinner? Every night of my life? For forever?

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Whenever I have a headache, I take 2 aspirin and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Sure, I could keep my thoughts to myself but I can’t see “Likes” in my journal.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

If you’re going through hell, keep going.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

If she tells you, she’s got a man, keep trying. Loyal women don’t even reply.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Stop asking a clown why he keeps acting like a clown, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.

Posted onMay 20, 2026May 20, 2026

Taylor Swift should write a song about when your sleeves keep rolling down every time you wash the dishes.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

My laundry is done, but I don’t even want it anymore. The washing machine can keep it.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

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