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Home Funny Quotes I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like four commandments.

New funny quotes ✨

My body is like an elastic band - no matter how I stretch it, it goes back to the nap position.

My body is like an elastic band – no matter how I stretch it, it goes back to the nap position.

Funny Quotes Mar 6, 2025
The worst part about borrowing money is having to pay it back or move to a new city.

The worst part about borrowing money is having to pay it back or move to a new city.

Funny Quotes Mar 6, 2025
Imagine how loud a centipede would be if they wore tiny little flip flops.

Imagine how loud a centipede would be if they wore tiny little flip flops.

Funny Quotes Mar 6, 2025
I’m glad cars were invented. Imagine riding a horse at 3am coming back from the club.

I’m glad cars were invented. Imagine riding a horse at 3am coming back from the club.

Funny Quotes Mar 6, 2025
I can relate to the stock market because I am always about to crash at a moment’s notice.

I can relate to the stock market because I am always about to crash at a moment’s notice.

Funny Quotes Mar 6, 2025
Who is this Rorschach guy and where did he get all the pictures of my parents fighting?

Who is this Rorschach guy and where did he get all the pictures of my parents fighting?

Funny Quotes Mar 6, 2025
How is rent for 28 days the same amount as for 31 days? Where is my change?

How is rent for 28 days the same amount as for 31 days? Where is my change?

Funny Quotes Mar 6, 2025
And is your "sparkling personality" in the room with us now?

And is your “sparkling personality” in the room with us now?

Funny Quotes Mar 6, 2025
I wish I loved exercising as much as I love not exercising.

I wish I loved exercising as much as I love not exercising.

Funny Quotes Mar 3, 2025
I’m glad laughter is the best medicine because my insurance sucks.

I’m glad laughter is the best medicine because my insurance sucks.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
Drinking coffee because throwing chairs at people is frowned upon.

Drinking coffee because throwing chairs at people is frowned upon.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
Noise-canceling headphones aren't enough, I need everyone to shut up.

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough, I need everyone to shut up.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
Most people think that T-Rexes can't clap because they have short arms, but really it's because they are dead.

Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they are dead.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
I don't just hold a grudge; I love it, pet it, feed it and take it for long walks on the beach.

I don’t just hold a grudge; I love it, pet it, feed it and take it for long walks on the beach.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025
Don’t worry. You’re exactly where you should be in life. Because you’ve made horrible choices.

Don’t worry. You’re exactly where you should be in life. Because you’ve made horrible choices.

Funny Quotes Feb 28, 2025