My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

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I hate it when what’s wrong asks me what’s wrong.

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Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

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Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a checkout line before in their life.

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My husband and I are doing a workshop. He works and I’ll shop.

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Only time I believe a man is when he tells me that I’m pretty.

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Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

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I don’t fight my demons anymore. We collaborate.

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Once you realize that no one really cares how you’re doing, it becomes much easier to answer the question.

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The most surprising part of adulthood is parenting your parents.

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Coke tastes like tapping into your ancient ancestral petroleum reserves, while Sprite tastes like being connected to a big, beautiful energy grid.