My favorite part of parenting is when they’re asleep.

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I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house.

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Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn-on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud,’ but they will be, oh, they will be.

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“Kiss From a Rose” makes you think Batman Forever is the most romantic movie ever made.

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I’m not saying I need glasses. But today I watched a bunny in a meadow until it flew away.

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I am writing a book about reverse psychology. Please don’t buy it.

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Turtles made out of plastic, problem solved.

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The lion doesn’t concern himself with credit card debt.

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Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

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Some of you need to clean your room before you take a selfie.

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Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul.