My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair, then runs back out again; and I then have to fall asleep holding a crucifix.

Nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping.

Gimme coffee or I’ll sleep amok!

If there’s ever an alien invasion, I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

Sleeping in now means waking up without the alarm clock, but still at the same time.

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

Body: time to fall asleep. Brain: hey, that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform.

Putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep.

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the house, no exceptions.

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile, I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

Body: Okay, sleepy time. Brain: Okay, thinky time.