No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened, I’ll just look at my 401k.

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A sandwich has the power to change your entire life.

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Establish dominance by maintaining eye contact whilst twerking.

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Is everything expensive or am I just poor?

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Men will ruin your whole life and come back and like your Instagram story.

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Nothing hurts more than someone not getting your joke.

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Dropped my skinny boyfriend between the bed and the wall like a vape or a TV remote.

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If you love a friend, let them go. If they come back with coffee, it was meant to be.

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My main career goal at the moment is to find a big bag of money in the woods.

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I make sure to post my political opinions after my selfies have gone viral to cull the herd.

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Why would I finish my thought when I could have a new, more exciting one?