Silently hoping for a comet to strike, to get out of today’s responsibilities.

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You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

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I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

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There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

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Asking the birds outside my window if they know any Metallica.

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Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it.

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Everyone’s a gangster until their doorbell rings.

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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.