Some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now I have to worry about Monday.

Someone from 🇧🇬 has downloaded:

Some people spend a fortune so they can circle the world. I drink some beer and the world circles around me.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has downloaded:

In every imagination I have pictured myself in, I’m never poor.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has shared:

The volume of my TV is 100% dependent on what I’m currently chewing on.

Someone from 🇦🇪 has viewed:

The name Ella is short for Mozzarella.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has shared:

I’m not going to die because of an accident. Nor because of an illness. But from small talk. Someone will say one boring sentence too many and I’ll drop dead.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has bookmarked:

A Twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has downloaded:

Excuse me, but would you sign my petition to ban petitions?

Someone from 🇱🇧 has bookmarked:

Eating trail mix should count as hiking.

Someone from 🇹🇼 has downloaded:

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that.

Someone from 🇦🇩 has shared:

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.