Sunsets and women are undoubtedly God’s best creations.

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Remember: if nobody hates you, you’re not trying hard enough.

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Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

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You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

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I have two dogs: one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

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Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you talk on speakerphone in public, everyone around you hates you.

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No one my age is single because they’re all unhappily married.

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My favorite part of socializing is when it’s over.

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Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life,” and it’s just that they were told to unload the dishwasher.

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I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.