“Your password is too weak!” Just wait until you see my impulse control.

34 shares on Instagram this month:

Explain it to me like I’m 5 drinks in.

90 shares on Telegram this month:

Learn from the mistakes of others, you can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

84 shares on Reddit this month:

If anything I post makes you mad, just know that it pleases me.

36 shares on Discord this month:

The only thing that drains faster than my phone battery is my bank account.

10 shares on Snapchat this month:

If you apply enough sunscreen, the rain simply rolls off.

66 shares on Twitch this month:

No, babe, I love your prefrontal cortex. The fully developed ones scare me.

59 shares on Threads this month:

Two things I learned yesterday: I’m not too old to sit in a beanbag chair, but I’m too old to get out of one.

16 shares on Messenger this month:

My talents include sneaking out of work early on a Friday.

47 shares on Messenger this month:

Car insurance should give you back money at the end of the year for having no accidents.

56 shares on Messenger this month:

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.