36 funny self-control quotes - Wordgag

I told myself I’d behave today. Then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow.

May 23, 2026

I need a browser plugin that disables Amazon when I’m drinking. Hashtag: don’t drink and Prime.

May 23, 2026

“Your password is too weak!” Just wait until you see my impulse control.

May 23, 2026

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

May 22, 2026

Patience and forbearance are those qualities you develop when there are too many witnesses.

May 22, 2026

Me before grocery shopping: only healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this. Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows?

May 22, 2026

If you don’t buy any snacks, you’re proud for a moment and then incredibly sad.

May 21, 2026

I’m drinking coffee so I don’t say mean things to you. You’re welcome.

May 21, 2026

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

May 20, 2026

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

May 20, 2026

Sorry, I would love to, but I just made a bunch of rules for myself, and I’m actually not allowed to do that.

May 19, 2026

“I’m pretty good with money unless I leave my house or have access to the internet.”

May 19, 2026

Sometimes I’ll do a random act of kindness, like keeping my mouth shut, for example.

Apr 1, 2026

My life started becoming a mess when I was put in charge of my own bedtime.

Mar 31, 2026

What part of “I don’t want to spend any more money” don’t I understand?

Mar 31, 2026

Today I choose kindness, but we’ll see, it’s still early.

Mar 31, 2026

Self-discipline is tough because I’m the boss of me, and that guy runs a real loose ship.

Mar 31, 2026

I feel like my greatest accomplishment today has been not saying what I’m thinking out loud.

Mar 31, 2026

I’ve cooked for men I should have poisoned, so yeah, I do have self-control.

Mar 31, 2026

Sometimes my greatest accomplishment is keeping my mouth shut.

Mar 31, 2026

I stop myself at least twice a day from posting a status that would make everyone grab popcorn.

Mar 31, 2026

Today is one of those days where I have to remind myself that you’re not allowed to strangle people.

Mar 31, 2026

Deleting the paragraph you wrote and texting back “ok” is a different type of self-control.

Mar 30, 2026

I need to be more disciplined and stop procrastinating, starting tomorrow.

Mar 30, 2026

If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself. No one likes a braggart.

Mar 30, 2026

Forced to say “it’s okay” instead of throwing a chair at them.

Mar 30, 2026

Feelings are like children. You don’t want them driving the car, but you shouldn’t stuff them in the trunk either.

Mar 30, 2026

Hate it when my mouth says something my brain was trying to keep quiet.

Mar 30, 2026

Not eating the cookie I’m craving. I better wake up skinny tomorrow.

Mar 29, 2026

I try to contain my craziness, but the lid keeps popping off.

Mar 29, 2026

I can resist everything except temptation.

Mar 28, 2026

Being on a diet isn’t so bad if you don’t follow it.

Mar 28, 2026

If you’re doing Dry January, please, please, keep it to yourself. Nobody cares, and you’re probably even more boring without alcohol.

Mar 27, 2026

For once, I’d like to spiral into control.

Mar 27, 2026

At least 80% of my day is spent holding back my inappropriate thoughts.

Mar 27, 2026

Holding back your sarcastic replies takes a lot of inner strength.

Mar 27, 2026