36 funny self-control quotes - Wordgag

“I’m pretty good with money unless I leave my house or have access to the internet.”

May 30, 2026

Sometimes I’ll do a random act of kindness, like keeping my mouth shut, for example.

May 29, 2026

My life started becoming a mess when I was put in charge of my own bedtime.

May 28, 2026

What part of “I don’t want to spend any more money” don’t I understand?

May 28, 2026

Today I choose kindness, but we’ll see, it’s still early.

May 28, 2026

Self-discipline is tough because I’m the boss of me, and that guy runs a real loose ship.

May 28, 2026

I feel like my greatest accomplishment today has been not saying what I’m thinking out loud.

May 28, 2026

I’ve cooked for men I should have poisoned, so yeah, I do have self-control.

May 28, 2026

Sometimes my greatest accomplishment is keeping my mouth shut.

May 28, 2026

I stop myself at least twice a day from posting a status that would make everyone grab popcorn.

May 28, 2026

Today is one of those days where I have to remind myself that you’re not allowed to strangle people.

May 28, 2026

Deleting the paragraph you wrote and texting back “ok” is a different type of self-control.

May 27, 2026

I need to be more disciplined and stop procrastinating, starting tomorrow.

May 27, 2026

If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself. No one likes a braggart.

May 27, 2026

Forced to say “it’s okay” instead of throwing a chair at them.

May 27, 2026

Feelings are like children. You don’t want them driving the car, but you shouldn’t stuff them in the trunk either.

May 27, 2026

Hate it when my mouth says something my brain was trying to keep quiet.

May 27, 2026

Not eating the cookie I’m craving. I better wake up skinny tomorrow.

May 26, 2026

I try to contain my craziness, but the lid keeps popping off.

May 26, 2026

I can resist everything except temptation.

May 25, 2026

Being on a diet isn’t so bad if you don’t follow it.

May 25, 2026

If you’re doing Dry January, please, please, keep it to yourself. Nobody cares, and you’re probably even more boring without alcohol.

May 24, 2026

For once, I’d like to spiral into control.

May 24, 2026

At least 80% of my day is spent holding back my inappropriate thoughts.

May 24, 2026

Holding back your sarcastic replies takes a lot of inner strength.

May 24, 2026

I told myself I’d behave today. Then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow.

May 23, 2026

I need a browser plugin that disables Amazon when I’m drinking. Hashtag: don’t drink and Prime.

May 23, 2026

“Your password is too weak!” Just wait until you see my impulse control.

May 23, 2026

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

May 22, 2026

Patience and forbearance are those qualities you develop when there are too many witnesses.

May 22, 2026

Me before grocery shopping: only healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this. Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows?

May 22, 2026

If you don’t buy any snacks, you’re proud for a moment and then incredibly sad.

May 21, 2026

I’m drinking coffee so I don’t say mean things to you. You’re welcome.

May 21, 2026

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

May 20, 2026

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

May 20, 2026

Sorry, I would love to, but I just made a bunch of rules for myself, and I’m actually not allowed to do that.

May 19, 2026