But have you tried getting slow neck kisses and soft ear whispers about it?

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My daily routine. Morning: Feeling tired, cranky and lazy. Afternoon: I could go for a nap. Night: I can’t sleep.

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Life would be so much easier if you could push a button that makes dickheads fall through a trap door in the floor.

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Romance level: At some point, someone comes by, sees me and thinks: “Oh well, my God, why not?”

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At bedtime, I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

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I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

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Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

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Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

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…and so ends another week of me not becoming unexpectedly rich.

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You seem really unhinged, we should grab coffee sometime.

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I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.