246 Funny comedy quotes

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  5 months ago

  View →: Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
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  5 months ago

  View →: There’s no way the Scooby Doo gang never found a dead body.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Reoccurring dreams be like: ‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
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  5 months ago

  View →: Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Aubrey Plaza is like an alien who went to earth to study us but accidentally got famous and can’t leave.
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  5 months ago

  View →: The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you and good night.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
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  5 months ago

  View →: The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3? Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
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  5 months ago

  View →: The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs. She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
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  5 months ago

  View →: My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
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  5 months ago

  View →: Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
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  5 months ago

  View →: There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Behind every funny man is a woman who rolls her eyes.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
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  5 months ago

  View →: Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
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  5 months ago

  View →: There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus.
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  5 months ago

  View →: They should invent a rom-com where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding.

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