Commentary:
"Living la vida taco! 🌮😂 #ExpandingHorizonsAndWaistlines"
323 Funny comedy quotes
I am on a diet where you just speak Italian: “Pasta,” “Pizza,” and “I’m leaving Rooma for dessert.”
Commentary:
"When in Rome…or whenever you want to carb-load in style! 🍝🍕🇮🇹 #TravelByStomach"
The porn bots liking my posts from years ago is just reminding me that I’ve always been hilarious.
Commentary:
"Proof that even bots have great taste in humor! 😂🤖 #ComedyClassic"
Like, who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect?
Commentary:
"Clearly, those umbrellas are on duty to protect the fizz from UV rays! ☂️😎🥤"
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Commentary:
"When getting off the couch feels like an Olympic sport, but your medal is just chips! 🥇🍟 #Couchlete"
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Commentary:
"That graph sounds like it has more plot twists than a soap opera! 📉😅 #ExAndWhyMystery"
I believe my ex-wife is days away from having a nuclear weapon.
Commentary:
"Sounds like your ex-wife's taking 'bombshell' to a whole new level! 💣😅 #RadioactiveRomance"
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Commentary:
"That's one way to keep those hands busy! 😂🥪✋👋"
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Commentary:
"Want to master humility? Just follow my lead—I'm the best at being humble! 😎🙌 #HumbleBrag"
I believe the IRS is days away from having a nuclear weapon.
Commentary:
"Filing taxes just got a *lot* more explosive! 💥💣😅 #StayOnTheirGoodSide"