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Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New funny quotes: 39 this month

15,792 funny quotes and pics

17,796 funny quotes topics

Updated: Mar 9, 2026

 

 

285 Funny today quotes

Funny today quotes are perfect for those moments when you realize that “today” is just full of unexpected hilarity! 😅📅 Whether it’s the everyday struggles that become laughable or the little surprises that make your day, these quotes remind us that each day is a chance to find humor in the chaos. Here’s to making today as funny as possible! 😂🎉⏳

Be the reason someone smiles today. Or blocks you. Whatever.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

I had to treat myself to a sweet goody today to distract my mind from the horrors of life.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Met my soulmate again today: mashed potatoes and gravy.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Wearing white pants today, so it’s really just a matter of time before I spill something on myself.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

My brain is on airplane mode today.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Why put off until tomorrow what you can have an intern do today?

Posted onJan 31, 2026

I saw a bird get a worm today. It was about 11 am. So, don’t give up on your dreams, buddy!

Posted onJan 31, 2026

I wonder how my close personal beloved friend Taylor Swift is doing today.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Good morning everyone, who feels like working today? I promise I’ll let you do my job.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

I hate when people ask me what I’m doing tomorrow, I don’t even know what I’m doing today.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Tomorrow isn’t promised, we need to kiss today.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Tomorrow isn’t promised, we need to flirt today.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

I’m never drinking again, unless something is going on later today.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you don’t need anything from Amazon today.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Tried to be a responsible adult today. Won’t be doing that again.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Don’t forget to make everything about you today.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

The only squat I’m even considering doing today is diddly.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Be the reason someone spits out their drink today.

Posted onJan 31, 2026

Whatever you do today, do it with the confidence of a 4-year old wearing a Batman cape.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s like 7 years in a row now.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

Posted onJan 30, 2026

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Now if you’ll excuse me, today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

I’m super lazy today. It’s like normal lazy but I’m wearing a cape.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

I’m not feeling very worky today.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Today I started gardening. I planted myself in front of the TV and I sat there the entire day.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today and nextday!

Posted onJan 30, 2026

I’m so tired. Let’s see all of the horrible things happening in the world today before I try to sleep peacefully.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

My youngest had a mandatory drugs and alcohol lecture today at school, and he still can’t mix a proper drink.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Sorry, boss, I can’t come in to work today, I’m gonna be playing outside.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Don’t forget to tell yourself more lies today.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

I saw someone wearing a shirt today that said “Eat Pasta Run Fasta,” and I can’t get it out of my head.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

A weighted blanket isn’t enough today, I need to be compressed into a zip-file.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

In case anyone hasn’t told you today, I’m beautiful.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Good morning, may your coffee be strong and your boss not weird today.

Posted onJan 30, 2026

Anyone know if we got the meek inheriting the Earth today?

Posted onJan 29, 2026

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

It’s crazy windy today. Trash is blowing everywhere, so watch out for your ex.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

Be nice today, the world is on fire.

Posted onJan 29, 2026

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