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Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New funny quotes: 6252 this month

15,818 funny quotes and pics

17,813 funny quotes topics

Updated: May 23, 2026

 

 

 

 

285 Funny today quotes

Funny today quotes are perfect for those moments when you realize that “today” is just full of unexpected hilarity! 😅📅 Whether it’s the everyday struggles that become laughable or the little surprises that make your day, these quotes remind us that each day is a chance to find humor in the chaos. Here’s to making today as funny as possible! 😂🎉⏳

I visited my doctor today. He told me my sugar was too high. So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

If I had today’s mind, I wouldn’t have made yesterday’s mistake. But if I hadn’t made yesterday’s mistake, I wouldn’t have today’s mind.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I’m not saying I need glasses. But today I watched a bunny in a meadow until it flew away.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I have so much planned today that I was already tired thinking of it yesterday.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I am so incredibly tired today. I think my shelf life has expired.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Done with work today. The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I’m basically a taxi today for the kids and dogs.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

If you did the weekend right, your coffee needs coffee today.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay, we’re out of time today”, just like a therapist.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I tried to scream into the abyss today but got a busy signal.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

In case no one told you today. I’m beautiful.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

And for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Accidentally used my real personality at work today… heading to HR now.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

My youngest started kindergarten today and I cried, but mostly for his teachers.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Don’t rush me, I’m still deciding whether I’ll be productive or not today!

Posted onMay 20, 2026

My brain says “Let’s do something exciting today” but my body says “Don’t listen to that fool.”

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I had big plans to sleep in today, but my bladder canceled.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Sorry I can’t come today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandpa’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and it was tragic.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Today is one of those days that even my coffee needs a coffee.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Today I told my daughter she’s giving me a headache! She told me “For suggestions and complaints, contact the manufacturer.”

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Listen, before I had my coffee I didn’t know how awesome I was going to be today either.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed and cleaned everything thoroughly. Today I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I can be social. Today I meowed at my cat and he meowed back.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I will be posting telepathically on all social media today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Ancient Egyptians used to worship cats and write on walls, a practice we still continue to do today on the Internet.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

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