285 funny today quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

There is no physical evidence to say that today is Tuesday, we all just have to trust that someone kept count since the first one ever.

May 28, 2026

Welcome to your 50s, you now take supplements to help your memory, but you can’t remember if you took them today.

May 28, 2026

Not to brag, but I drove and found a place I was looking for without turning down my music today.

May 28, 2026

My toddler asked if we could go to the zoo today, and I said, “I can’t see that happening.” Then she literally left the room and came back with my glasses.

May 28, 2026

The bank just called and gave me the biggest compliment, said my balance is outstanding. I really needed that today.

May 28, 2026

I hope one day I will sleep before midnight like normal humans do. Every day I sleep tomorrow, even yesterday I slept today.

May 28, 2026

Hotel elevators are hell for those of us who are small-talk failures. The guy asked me, “You just get in today too?” and I said, “Well, no,” then stood in silence.

May 28, 2026

Ruined a Ferrari guy’s day today by telling him that I loved his Corvette.

May 28, 2026

Took control of my life today and canceled my AOL subscription.

May 28, 2026

I look so pretty today. I should go for a walk and let the people enjoy this.

May 28, 2026

In terms of wasting time, today was very productive.

May 28, 2026

Procrastination isn’t a horrible thing. I mean, you always have something to do tomorrow… plus you have nothing to do today.

May 28, 2026

Been acting really busy today because I can tell my coworker wants to talk about something in his personal life.

May 28, 2026

Putting together a piece of furniture today, so my kids are about to learn swear words that haven’t even been invented yet.

May 28, 2026

Somebody somewhere today don’t know it’s their last day with all 10 fingers.

May 28, 2026

I hate when people ask me, “What did you do today?” Like, buddy, listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don’t know.

May 28, 2026

The sheer audacity of life to ask anything of me today.

May 28, 2026

Today I choose kindness, but we’ll see, it’s still early.

May 28, 2026

I’m doing a terrific job of not getting anything done today.

May 28, 2026

Not today, Satan, but next week works.

May 28, 2026

Today I went for a walk with a girl, she noticed me, so we went for a run.

May 28, 2026

We should be able to call in healthy: “I feel amazing today, and I’m not wasting it at work.”

May 28, 2026

A couple of years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

May 28, 2026

Can someone please just give me a participation trophy for making it through today, please?

May 28, 2026

I feel like my greatest accomplishment today has been not saying what I’m thinking out loud.

May 28, 2026

“I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong. For example, I thought it was a good idea to leave the house today, which, as it turns out, was a terrible mistake.”

May 28, 2026

Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

May 28, 2026

I’ve decided that I’m going to underthink today.

May 28, 2026

If I have to look at any more spreadsheets today, you’re gonna have to spread my ashes.

May 28, 2026

Today is one of those days where I have to remind myself that you’re not allowed to strangle people.

May 28, 2026

Today I was in a taxi, and the taxi driver said, “I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do!” Then I said, “Turn left.”

May 27, 2026

Coffee ain’t gonna cut it today, I need to be chased through the woods by a machete-wielding maniac.

May 27, 2026

Today, I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word “irony.”

May 27, 2026

Making a record-breaking number of bad choices today, I’m really proud of myself.

May 27, 2026

Missed garbage day today, if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules.

May 27, 2026

Today, I’m wearing pink to raise awareness for people like me who forget to separate their red laundry from their whites.

May 27, 2026

I got called “pretty” today! Well, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying,” but I only focus on the positive things.

May 27, 2026

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. It’ll be much like today, but different enough to confuse me.

May 27, 2026

If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

May 27, 2026

I accidentally used my dog’s shampoo today, and now I’m feeling like such a good girl.

May 27, 2026