He was only called Mr. Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

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For financial reasons, I will be passing away.

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Please don’t ask me to repeat myself. I wasn’t listening either.

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Unknown numbers will call me, then expect me to talk first. Welcome to the breathing competition.

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Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

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Feeling melancholy. Think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse.

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You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet.

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Discovered a new coping mechanism called lashing out and making your loved ones resent you.

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I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

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Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead.

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Let the example of my fluke success guide nearly all of you to crushing disappointment.