If it’s a ghost ship, why does it have to be on water?

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Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day, we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

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This post ain’t gonna like itself, damn.

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Not a fan of frozen pizza. Too cold, in my opinion.

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I’m never drinking again, unless something is going on later today.

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Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

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I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life, I will be notified immediately.

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Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job.

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It’s not sleeping alone if there are crumbs in your bed.

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I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

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Not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after I planted the seeds in the first place.