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"If pigeons could talk, they'd probably ask for directions to the nearest birdseed buffet instead of bumming a cigarette 🚬🐦 #BirdsJustWannaEat"

animal, cigarette, conversation, humor, pigeon, talk

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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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Someone from 🇹🇲 has copied:

I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Someone from 🇭🇷 has viewed:

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around.

Someone from 🇲🇽 has downloaded:

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has viewed:

It’s difficult to play hard to get when I’m already hard to want.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has viewed:

Scrolling… good take… bad take… nothing take… cyberbullying… beautiful woman.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has shared:

I had bad luck with women twice. The first left me, the second stayed.

Someone from 🇧🇫 has viewed:

You better be kissing the screen when I send pics.

Someone from 🇵🇱 has copied:

And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has copied:

Crossing my fingers one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has shared:

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

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Seen just now on Threads:

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

Just shared via Reddit:

Eating trail mix should count as hiking.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

Being an adult is a little out of my price range right now.

Seen just now on Messenger:

When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.

Trending via WeChat:

If I climbed all the way to the top of Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile.

Freshly posted on Reddit:

Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situations again to see if you’re still an idiot.

Making waves on Reddit:

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realization it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Spotted on Snapchat:

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it.

Shared recently on Reddit:

Life is too short, and death is too long.

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If pigeons could talk, they would bum a cigarette.

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I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like four commandments.

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time, the universe will just be like “Lol, nice try, dummy!”

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Let’s lay on the couch together, play on our phones, and ignore each other, babe.

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Don’t talk to me while my earphones are in, man, I’m at a concert.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

We often come across people in life who make us think: “Oh look, evolution takes a break too!”

11 out of 10 women are always right.

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I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger.

The fact that I procrastinate and still get the job done is the reason I still procrastinate.

Employees should have to take their boss’s last name.

Well, maybe grass should touch me for once. How about that?

Maybe your soulmate’s just late, like, wildly behind schedule.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Super excited about a brand new week of faking it.

My life coach told me I didn’t make the team.

Are cassette tapes considered classical music yet?

My daily exercise routine involves running late, jumping to conclusions and pushing my luck.

Hate when people ask “why is it called Silence of the Lambs?” Like, did you hear any lambs during the movie? Use your head!

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If pigeons could talk, they would bum a cigarette.

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