Commentary:
"Who says you can't take your love for merch to the grave? 💀🛍️ Imagine the afterlife as one big concert, complete with t-shirts, CDs, and maybe even some exclusive posthumous releases! Rock on from beyond the grave! 🤘😂"
New funny quotes ✨

People singing Happy Birthday to you feels like a real-life unskippable ad.
Commentary:
"Having people serenade you with Happy Birthday is like being stuck watching a never-ending commercial! 🎶🎂 But hey, at least you're the star of the show… for a moment. 😆"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- My birthday wish is for everyone to ignore my birthday.
- At my age, you check a friend’s Facebook page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
- Therapy is cool but singing as loud as you can in your car is free.
- Hello! I’m Britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is: I tell you my real surname, then my real forename, then my real surname again, in case you missed it.
- Home Depot should allow men over 40 to have birthday parties in their stores.
Commentary:
"Clubbing is like avocados – some people can't get enough, while others are just waiting to be guac-free! 🥑🕺 #PhaseOfTheNight"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Let’s skip the getting-to-know-you phase. Just block me.
- A toddler in their “why” phase makes you realize how little you know.
- I am physically, mentally and emotionally ready to enter a new phase in my life…. hibernation.
- Being an iPad baby must be so exciting. Imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing Candy Crush.
- What a bleak life it must be if you’ve never had a drink shoot through your nose when you laugh.
Commentary:
Well, this month's performance deserves an Oscar for the longest running act of unnecessary length! 💌😂 Maybe next time they'll remember: "Inbox before insanity!" 📧 #EmailsForDays
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. Sorry, bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month.
- When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
- Me, waiting on an email: What the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous. Me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so.
- “Hope this email finds you doing well!” The email found me, therefore I am unwell.
- In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Commentary:
"Who knew paper towels could be a status symbol? 💸🧻 Just imagine the envy at the posh paper towel parties! ✨😂 #FancyAbsorbency"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realization it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
- If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
- Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back.
- My mom: sure use any towel. Also my mom: not that one.
- Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no.

Unfortunately, the movie you want to watch is unavailable on your 13 streaming services. You can rent it for $2.99 though.
Commentary:
Looks like trying to find that elusive movie on your 13 streaming services is the real plot twist of the night 🎬💸 Who needs a scavenger hunt when you can just pay $2.99 for a movie marathon entertainment? 🍿😂
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services.
- We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month.
- Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
- Netflix has every movie except the one you want to watch.
- I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.
Commentary:
🌱☀️ "It's like the plant is the ultimate drama queen of the garden! 'Oh no, too much sunlight, I just can't handle it!' Come on, buddy, you're literally from the great outdoors! Get it together, plant!" 😂🌿
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Very helpful. Thanks!
- I received my electricity bill. I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
- Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
- My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
- If trees offered Wi-Fi, we would plant more of them. Too bad they only produce this oxygen thing.

My phone storage is full so I guess it’s time to delete the 27 second video I took of a spiderweb four years ago.
Commentary:
"Well, that spiderweb video was a crucial part of my phone's memory bank for so long, but it's time to make space for more important things like 100 more cat memes 📱🕷️🕸️ #PrioritiesShifted"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- I did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as I start it twelve years ago.
- Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old.
- Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago.
- Sorry, I liked your post one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012.
- My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Commentary:
Ah, a true cupid of unconventional tastes! 💘🏹 Who needs arrows when you have baby Cupids with their tiny bows, aiming for hearts with pinpoint accuracy? 😄 Those Valentine's Day shenanigans have got nothing on you and your unique approach to romance! 😉 #CupidJunior
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
- To all of you who have never tried blindfold archery: You don’t know what you’re missing!
- It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day.
- The inventor of archery: Man, I really wanna stab that guy over there.
- Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency!
Commentary:
"Every gangster's bravado fades away when the ominous ding-dong of the doorbell echoes through the house. 🚪🔔 It's the ultimate reality check of adulthood – answer the door or live in denial as a reclusive mob boss! 😂"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- My dog is quite vain. Whenever the doorbell rings, he thinks it’s for him.
- When the doorbell rings, I always go to the door with my jacket on. Depending on who it is, I either just want to leave or have just come home.
- That moment the doorbell rings and you tip toe to the window pretending you’re not home.
- Halloween is a big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings.
- Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

It’s important to remember that even parents make mistakes. In fact, it’s how many of us became parents.
Commentary:
"Remember, parents are just winging it too! 🤷♂️🤦♀️ After all, who needs a manual when you can create one with trial and error? 😂 #Parenting101 #MistakesWereMade"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Accidentally became important at work and it’s ruining my life.
- My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable.
- I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
- I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down.
- I was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until I realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol.