119 funny death quotes - Wordgag

I was born tired, and I will die tired. If I ever tell you I’m not tired, I’m probably lying.

May 30, 2026

If you get bitten by a snake and you’re not sure if it was poisonous, simply wait to see if you die or not. That should give you your answer.

May 30, 2026

Marriage is just asking each other, “What do you want to do for dinner?” and then replying, “No, not that,” until death do us part.

May 30, 2026

I’m confused how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.

May 30, 2026

I don’t think I’d get married again, but I would like to annoy someone until one of us is dead.

May 30, 2026

Do you want to sit on the porch with me until we die or not?

May 30, 2026

I woke up again, it’s pathetic how much death fears me.

May 30, 2026

It is so weird that every single one of us is going to die, and we are not nicer to each other.

May 30, 2026

TMZ will find out you’re dead before you do.

May 30, 2026

I like my bacon like I like my men, slightly burnt and crispy, and probably killing me slowly.

May 30, 2026

I’ve been closer to death than a stable relationship.

May 30, 2026

It’s important to follow your significant other around the grocery store, not helping, and only hovering like the specter of death.

May 29, 2026

“There’s a reason religion tells you your reward is after death; it keeps you quiet while you’re being exploited alive.”

May 29, 2026

(flirting) You’ll be the death of me.

May 29, 2026

Al guys are like, “We can’t use it to cure cancer, but we can suck all the joy and purpose out of life so that dying isn’t sad.”

May 29, 2026

Working your entire life so you can ‘enjoy’ a couple of years when you’re close to death is the biggest scam of all time.

May 29, 2026

It would be cool if, after you died, you could see the top 5 times you almost died.

May 29, 2026

Death by a thousand stupid questions.

May 29, 2026

When I die and y’all go through my search history, you’ll be disappointed to find mostly just definitions for very common words that I wasn’t sure I was using correctly.

May 29, 2026

All I think about is death and sex.

May 29, 2026

Maybe I died of Covid in 2020, and this is hell.

May 29, 2026

Floppy disks are like Jesus. They died to become the icon of saving.

May 29, 2026

If you get cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and still participate in family game nights.

May 28, 2026

Make sure you bury me near a bathroom because death is long, and I’m sure I’ll still have to get up and pee.

May 28, 2026

The meteorologist who devised the wind chill factor has died. He was 86, but he felt like 75.

May 28, 2026

When I die, I hope it’s early in the morning, so I don’t have to go to work that day for no reason.

May 28, 2026

When you tickle a man to death by accident, it is manslaughter.

May 28, 2026

If I have to look at any more spreadsheets today, you’re gonna have to spread my ashes.

May 28, 2026

The only way three people can keep a secret is if two of them are dead.

May 28, 2026

Death cannot harm me more than you have harmed me, my beloved life.

May 27, 2026

80 years from now, this comment section will be full of dead people. Write anything you want.

May 27, 2026

Death doesn’t scare me, but a group of dogs fighting while I’m walking alone on the street does.

May 27, 2026

Life is too short, and death is too long.

May 27, 2026

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom, then I am absolutely nailing it.

May 27, 2026

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking-hot body again.

May 27, 2026

When I’m dying, please rush me to the nearest haunted house. I don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

May 27, 2026

Female dragonflies will fake their own deaths to avoid mating with unwanted males. They are like, “Ugh, here comes Carl again. Play dead, girl!“

May 27, 2026

First date idea: we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died.

May 27, 2026

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones to say I’m a control freak.

May 27, 2026

My plan is to die young as late as possible.

May 27, 2026