Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar.

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Roman soldiers are all like “I’m going to fight you in this short yet tasteful leather skirt.”

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The day I start waking up early it’s over for you all.

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Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time.

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Just did my best horse impression and the doctor still won’t give me ketamine.

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Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

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I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good.

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There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes “o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra”. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”.

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Sometimes, I feel like my brain is still running on Windows 95.

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Problematic bed time gap relationship.

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What have I done to deserve this? Oh yeah, right, I remember.