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Threatening my husband with tariffs every time he tries to make me watch sports on TV.

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Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

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UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

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I never thought I would say this, and it took me a while to come to terms, but I think I ate too much bacon.

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I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

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Hate all political parties and you’ll never be disappointed.

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Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?

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Them: Good morning! Me: Where?

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His hands wouldn’t stop talking to me, your honor.

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Smart people are like huskies. If you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem.