76 funny safety quotes - Wordgag

Driving home, listening to Gangsta’s Paradise, with my hands at 10 and 2.

May 30, 2026

Seems like the ‘how to use a fire extinguisher’ video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30-second ad before it.

May 30, 2026

Leaving your house and returning back safely is such an underrated blessing.

May 30, 2026

Putting a baby on board sticker on my car because other drivers have a right to know who they’re dealing with behind the wheel.

May 30, 2026

Does anyone else run a used match under water before disposing of it because you’re afraid it still has some fire left in it, or are you normal?

May 29, 2026

Car insurance should give you back money at the end of the year for having no accidents.

May 29, 2026

Someone from Facebook Marketplace is coming over to either buy the chairs I have for sale, or to murder me.

May 29, 2026

Nothing bad can happen while you’re under a blanket. Just remember that.

May 29, 2026

“NOT dishwasher safe!” You’ll be okay, buddy, just do your best in there.

May 29, 2026

The hottest part of sex is when I take off my glasses and put them in a safe place.

May 28, 2026

A quick shoutout to all of the sidewalks out there… Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

May 28, 2026

Five out of six people find Russian Roulette to be a safe activity.

May 28, 2026

That one friend who has a dangerously loose grasp on food safety.

May 28, 2026

Answering your cell when you don’t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.

May 28, 2026

You are why Superman costumes have warning labels telling you the costume won’t make you fly.

May 28, 2026

In the event of a water landing, place the life jacket over your head and swipe your credit card to inflate.

May 28, 2026

Aliens probably lock their doors when they fly past Earth.

May 28, 2026

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe, cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

May 27, 2026

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars. Most of these idiots can barely drive as it is.

May 27, 2026

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave- and dishwasher-safe.

May 27, 2026

I drive safer when there’s food in my passenger’s seat than when there’s a person sitting there.

May 27, 2026

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes, all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

May 27, 2026

My anti-theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

May 27, 2026

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said, “Don’t text and drive.”

May 27, 2026

The opposite of “taking candy from a baby” is “putting sunscreen on a toddler.”

May 27, 2026

There’s a cougar warning in my neighborhood, but apparently it’s just a big cat. I bought a case of wine coolers for nothing.

May 27, 2026

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

May 27, 2026

Using a condom and still pulling out, call that two-factor authentication.

May 26, 2026

I smoke weed for my mental health and your personal safety.

May 26, 2026

All cars should have a rubber bumper all the way around so we can hit each other.

May 26, 2026

They should have a special lane for texting and driving.

May 26, 2026

Some of you are out here driving like your turn signal’s free trial ended and you’re all out of blinks.

May 26, 2026

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

May 26, 2026

Letting her be the passenger princess cause I care about my safety.

May 26, 2026

I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.

May 26, 2026

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

May 25, 2026

Pool rules: You’re not allowed to do anything that begins with the words ‘Hey everyone watch this!’

May 25, 2026

I bet aliens lock their door when they go past earth.

May 25, 2026

Do not EVER text while driving. Please use the giant iPad attached to your dashboard.

May 25, 2026

Zombies only eat brains, so you are safe.

May 25, 2026