76 funny safety quotes - Wordgag

At my age, I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

May 23, 2026

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research, thanks.

May 23, 2026

Wearing a condom while she’s on birth control is called two-factor authentication.

May 23, 2026

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

May 23, 2026

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes.

May 23, 2026

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work. The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

May 23, 2026

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

May 22, 2026

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

May 22, 2026

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

May 22, 2026

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

May 22, 2026

Needs to be a Google Maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic.

May 22, 2026

One thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction.

May 21, 2026

You should always wear a helmet when doing dangerous things or talking about politics.

May 21, 2026

I think that police officers on foot should wear blue flashing sneakers.

May 21, 2026

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These donuts are for my safety.

May 21, 2026

That beeping of the parking assistant when you get too close to other cars. I’d like that for people.

May 21, 2026

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence.

May 21, 2026

DUI stands for: don’t Uber, I got this.

May 20, 2026

I don’t mind driving in bad weather. I mind other people driving in bad weather.

May 20, 2026

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance.

May 20, 2026

Chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe, there is nothing in your drink.”

May 20, 2026

Life’s too short to remove the USB drive safely.

May 20, 2026

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options.

May 20, 2026

How long past date can I eat eggs? Like are they still good or am I naming them now?

May 20, 2026

The web is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

May 20, 2026

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

May 20, 2026

The dead bodies on Mt. Everest remind me that it’s perfectly fine to stay home and be lazy.

May 19, 2026

I see from the back of your car that you have found Jesus, but not your turn signal.

May 19, 2026

Driving home, listening to Gangsta’s Paradise, with my hands at 10 and 2.

May 19, 2026

Seems like the ‘how to use a fire extinguisher’ video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30-second ad before it.

May 19, 2026

Leaving your house and returning back safely is such an underrated blessing.

May 19, 2026

Putting a baby on board sticker on my car because other drivers have a right to know who they’re dealing with behind the wheel.

May 18, 2026

Does anyone else run a used match under water before disposing of it because you’re afraid it still has some fire left in it, or are you normal?

Apr 1, 2026

Car insurance should give you back money at the end of the year for having no accidents.

Apr 1, 2026

Someone from Facebook Marketplace is coming over to either buy the chairs I have for sale, or to murder me.

Apr 1, 2026

Nothing bad can happen while you’re under a blanket. Just remember that.

Apr 1, 2026

“NOT dishwasher safe!” You’ll be okay, buddy, just do your best in there.

Apr 1, 2026

The hottest part of sex is when I take off my glasses and put them in a safe place.

Mar 31, 2026

A quick shoutout to all of the sidewalks out there… Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Mar 31, 2026

Five out of six people find Russian Roulette to be a safe activity.

Mar 31, 2026