A.I. should be forced to wait tables before it’s allowed to make art.

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They say every snowflake is different, as if someone actually checked them.

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My sleeping pattern isn’t even a pattern anymore. It’s a lifestyle.

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My name is Bob but my friends don’t call me.

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My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room, dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence.

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“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I ever.

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I know which nation I like best. Hibernation.

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I’ll be home for Christmas, because that’s where I live.

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Sometimes the whole point of going out is to then really savor coming back home.

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I’m probably like this because I drank water from the hose.

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I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.