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Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New funny quotes: 6589 this month

15,818 funny quotes and pics

17,813 funny quotes topics

Updated: May 23, 2026

 

 

 

 

271 Funny before quotes

Funny before quotes 😂✨ is like the opening act at a comedy show – setting the stage for giggles and guffaws before the main punchline! Before diving into the quote-o-sphere, let’s tickle your funny bone with a sprinkle of humor and a dash of wit. Get ready to chuckle as we warm up with some pre-quote hilarity that proves laughter is, indeed, the best appetizer.

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

Posted onMay 23, 2026

If there’s ever an alien invasion, I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die, just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I’m intermittent fasting, so I have to finish this cake really quick before 6 pm.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare. My milk expired while I was waiting in line.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

If you’re out shopping today, be nice to retail workers. It’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

“Pre” means before, and “post” means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

“Date” is just another word for: Jeez, had I known that before, I would have stayed home.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

Posted onMay 22, 2026

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

How many sit-ups do I have to do before I get a six-pack? Please say 5.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with fake tan.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

“We will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before Friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

When you report something to IT and then hear: “Oh! Interesting. We’ve never seen that before.” Is that good or bad?

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Spending money is too easy. For my bank account’s sake, I need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before I’m allowed to buy something.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged?

Posted onMay 22, 2026

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Never faked an orgasm before, but the joy of ugly presents.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I bought some coconut shampoo today. I got halfway home before I thought, “I don’t even have a coconut!”

Posted onMay 22, 2026

As president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Just spent a couple seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Wiping my hands on my pants before I’m shaking someone’s hand, so they spend the rest of the day wondering what I just touched.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Born to say “are you f*****g stupid”, forced to say “wow, I’ve never thought about it like that before”.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I got 3 miles in before breakfast. That’s enough driving for the day.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Before social media, you could just completely forget that somebody existed. Good times.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

At my age, you check a friend’s Facebook page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Me before grocery shopping: only healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this. Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows?

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Guy who normally applauds when the plane lands right before the pilot crashes it: “Boo!”

Posted onMay 22, 2026

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

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