You gotta separate the art from the artist. Like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks.

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I said “cool tattoo” to be nice not because I wanted to hear the 45 minute origin story.

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Ever since I was a little kid, I knew that I wanted to be late for work.

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Some of you aren’t reading the room. Not even listening to the room on audiobook.

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Where do we acquire the ducks that we’re supposed to be putting in a row?

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My workout is reading in bed until my arms hurt.

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A house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

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So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

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The winter months remind me that it is crucial to find someone that you’re thermostatically compatible with.

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It’s a little ironic when you consider that the Internet was invented to save time.

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I’m blunt because the universe rolled me that way.