A Southerner dies every time you people type “ya’ll” instead of “y’all,” btw.

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I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

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I don’t understand why judges get paid so much, others judge me for free.

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I can’t believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician. I was just sitting there doing nothing.

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Lego bricks are classic educational toys. You step on them once and you can do ballet.

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That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink.

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Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism.

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Think like a crazy person, and then you’ll understand.

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“You’re so chill.” Thanks, I gave up.

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Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

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My kid asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.