Be the reason why a count unleashes ancient horrors onto the world when he thinks of you.

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My brain is 80% song lyrics.

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I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

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If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people.

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The pain of watching a movie with someone who talks a lot.

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It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

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Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control, so I can run it from my recliner.

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Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly. Fly far, far away and also so I can poop on people.

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I can do a lot of things, but listening to someone chew is not one of them.

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Job interview: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: Hopefully on a sabbatical.

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Whoever came up with the spelling for “receipt” was an idiopt.