Being excited to get in bed really is a different level of adulting.

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Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

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This year felt like being awake during surgery.

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Life is short. Make sure you spend as much time as possible on the web arguing with strangers.

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Friends with no kids are like: Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

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“You changed!” Yeah, I thought three days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it.

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The web is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

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You’re not entertaining, you are exittaining.

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Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime.

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You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”.

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I got so lost there for a minute (several years).